Dear Mount Calvary Christian Center,
My beloved sons and daughters, this is your Creator. As you know, normally I reach you through a prayer or a miracle, but since I haven’t written a letter in so long, I thought I would reach you in this manner.
I was going to write this sooner, more specifically when Justin from CHS wrote this article about your filing a lawsuit, but I kind of got sidetracked by the rest of the world. It wasn’t until I saw (on Evan Bush’s twitter feed) you try to obtain a temporary restraining order against the Uncle Ike’s Pot Shop next door, that I realized I had waited too long to say something. Yes, contrary to popular belief, I sometimes make mistakes.
This isn’t about passing judgement on others and what they choose to do, even though I probably should remind you, that is my job. But it’s more than that. It’s about looking at this situation in a whole new light. No pun intended, even though you know, I’m all about the light.
In short, YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.
Instead of condemning the pot shop, you should see this as an opportunity! I know you don’t support marijuana and anyone who chooses to consume, even though it’s a plant of the earth and I created it. But while you’re wasting your time and energy trying to shut down the pot shop, you’re missing out on a huge opportunity to speak to the souls who enter the store, and spread the gospel. My son’s gospel! And without the pot shop, the souls you desperately want to save will disappear.
Think about this: you are a church next to a pot shop. How frickin’ cool is that? You are now relevant. Use it to your advantage. Not only should you befriend the employees next door, especially when they offer you coffee and donuts, but you should take out an ad in the local newspaper that states: ‘We are the church next to the pot shop.‘ You may be surprised how many people walk through your doors next Sunday morning.
I must go now, as there are more pressing matters I must tend to.
Your loving Creator,
Disclaimer: This isn’t really a letter we obtained from God. This is actually made up letter of what we imagine God would write.